SDC - “Swinger’s Dating Community”
So, after a few craigslist ads to try and find other couples and people that were into a more polyamorous lifestyle, we were turned onto another online adult community called SDC and boy has that been interesting.
It seems that most of the people that belong to this are +40, have kids and mortgages and this is their little naughty thing to do on the weekend. Now, I understand everyone has their jobs and families and no not everyone is a full out of the closet, so to speak, when it comes to their sexuality.
But whats really amazing is the responses I’ve gotten to blogs I’ve been writing over there. I hate to chalk it up to this, but it seems like no matter what it always comes down to age. For some reason, older women and men (that I don’t want to fuck) get offended when I am or any other young, sexy chicks are around and/or have opinions about something.
One blog I wrote was about a single male that we had contacted to meet up with for an M/M/F threesome who ended up standing us up without a phone call or any explanation at all. I posted a blog with his screen name and asking if this was a regular thing with single guys and the responses I got back were incredible. Some people were complaining that I was whining, some people were saying there was something wrong with me.
Then we met up with a really polite, lovely guy with whom we had a really nice experience and I wrote a blog on that over at sdc.com and still a bunch of people wrote in complaining about what I had written and how it was all about me and saying that for a “porn star” how unexperienced I was.
I’m really turned off by the website, if it wasn’t the only source that we could find for write now about likeminded couples, I would cancel our account because my general impression of the “swinger’s” crowd is that of insecure, yet ego driven people that look for any excuse to slam someone else.
Feedback is welcome in the comments…
September 11, 2008 at 9:05 pm
“Insecure, yet ego driven” is pretty much 99% of the population, isn’t it?
September 11, 2008 at 9:09 pm
American population, yes, but still I would think that the “swinger” community would be a little more open minded, accepting…? I dunno maybe thats just me overestimating society again. Fuck em.
September 11, 2008 at 10:09 pm
I’m sorry to hear you’ve had such a dismal experience with all this. I think there are several dynamics going on here that are working against you, none of which have anything to do with who you are.
First, there’s the “porn girl” thing. Because of your porn background it’s inevitable that some people will see you as sort of more than real and less than human, almost like a Hollywood celebrity. This is a society obsessed with celebrity, after all. They don’t see the real you; the one who’s just a young woman trying to live her life the way she wants. And despite people’s professed open-mindedness, when they get mean, they’re still going to fall back on our society’s puritanical roots and take cheap shots at you because you’ve had sex in front of a camera for money. Those people are not worth your while anyway, so do your best to treat them like an especially annoying background noise and tune them out. There’s an old joke that goes, “What’s the difference between a slut and a bitch? A slut will sleep with anyone; a bitch will sleep with anyone but me.” That’s how these people think. They’re not worth your bother.
Another dynamic at work here is the big fish/small pond effect. Any time people start forming groups, a little microcosm of society forms - you have the wise elders who were in it from the beginning, the doers who organize people and events, the masses of people who just hang around and enjoy the group, etc. Inevitably, some of these people are self-important pricks who feel they can pass judgment upon others, or give orders. You see this in everything from swingers’ groups to book clubs to fundamentalist churches, but the problem of self-important pricks tends to be worse when a group is outside of society’s mainstream. Many people in such groups feel weak and powerless in mainstream society and compensate for this by being little Hitlers in their own domains. So they’ll come gunning for you, too, both because it feeds their ego and because they see you as a threat.
Where age is a factor, so is insecurity. You’re young and beautiful and probably an awful lot of swingers would love to get involved with you. When you turn them down they take it very personally, as it confirms a lot of their fears about themselves (that they’re too old to be attractive, etc.) So they lash out like angry children. Again, these people are not worth your time.
There’s a lot more I could say, but this is probably long enough as it is. I hope you find a way to keep a positive attitude and don’t get so frustrated that you give up. If you’re more interested in polyamory (long-term multi-person relationships) vs. swinging, you might want to check out http://www.polymatchmaker.com. I haven’t been active there in a few years, but I still keep an active profile. Last I knew it was a pretty good group of people, despite having their fair share of drama. I still check in once in a while. Not only did I make a few good friends on that site, but I met my girlfriend there in 2004 and we’ve been together ever since.
If, on the other hand, you want to lose all hope and/or your lunch, check out http://www.thegatheringplacesh.com. This is the swingers’ club in the town where I live now. You have to check out the pictures for the full effect.
September 11, 2008 at 10:26 pm
hey mike,
thanks for the in depth response, i really appreciate it. i am interested in the polyamory thing much more than the swinging, but for some reason my boyfriend has this mindset that energetically getting started in the swinging community will help us meet more likeminded individuals, but i’m very skeptical about this considering our rocky start and the people the swinging community has to offer…which couldn’t be farther from my “type?”
September 12, 2008 at 9:29 am
I suppose it’s possible that your boyfriend’s approach could work out, but I don’t know - the poly community is always saying that swinging is about sex and polyamory is about relationships. I think it’s reasonable to expect that the people in the swinging community are more there just for fun and not much else. It seems to me it may end up being a dead end for you.
September 12, 2008 at 10:17 am
My boyfriend and I are have also discussed polyamourous relationships and are having a hard time branching out after being monogamous for six years. It has less to do with sex, and more about how we will deal with the issues that arise in any relationship times how many people make up our extended relationship. I don’t think I would look into the swinging lifestyle though as a way to go there, for the reasons you mentioned and Mike mentioned. I think it is more about relationships than sex, but swinging seems to be sex but rather empty (for lack of a better term). I’m not passing judgment on it, I totally understand the sexual frustration and need to “closet” things, but there has been a vast difference in the approach my poly friends and my swinging friends have taken towards looking for those relationships. Poly’s almost seem to have more rules, because they want fairness and understanding in relationships, a sense of fullfullment in all aspects rather than just the sexual. If you are looking to meet people online, there are some places that allow you to put “open” as your relationship status. My best friend met her partner on okcupid.com and they are in a wonderful poly relationship (not without it’s own initial issues, but ones that are much easier resolved considering the want for resolution rather than just getting off).
I’m not sure this helped :/ Sorry
September 12, 2008 at 1:33 pm
I don’t know much about the poly lifestyle, because my girlfriend and I are monogamous, well sort of I mean we do have this “friend” but we hardly get to see her cause she lives in another state, but when we do….well, you know : ) anyway, I do think I know a little about women, maybe those ladies are hating on you because you’re much younger and much more beautiful than they are so maybe that makes then jealous or something. I donno. You shouldn’t let people like that get you down, like you said, “fuck em” and stay true to yourself…
September 12, 2008 at 6:25 pm
We are monogamous but have been searching for a while for something that I don’t even know if it exists. Basically down to earth average people that want to be sexual together without the swing. We’ve searched and if we do find something close to that, it seems pretty seedy.
I think you have happened to run into a few select that can’t handle being themselves or handling the fact of how you live your life. I bet there are people out there for you, and hopefully people out there to mesh with us.
September 13, 2008 at 4:42 am
It’s astounding how each and every day there’s somewhat sensational to browse in the blog. It’s awesome how the ads are allied and unobtrusive to the articles. The site’s writer upholds the quality in each and every post. It makes you feel allied to the writer in manners more than one. It’s godly fast how rapidly the blog loads, it’s almost instantaneously. Love the fact how this blog provides an occasion to any to have a voice. No abbreviation in the articles and that makes it facile to understand. As soon you begin reading you could not give up. Clean written NO technical mumbo jumbo NO big words this is the way posts should be written. The author let’s no stone unturned.
September 13, 2008 at 6:28 pm
thank you so much everybody for your detailed and thoughtful responses!
September 13, 2008 at 6:32 pm
Ha ha this could get confusing
the Jake above isn’t me.
Anyway, I might be wrong but I think your boyfriends reluctant to get into polyamory because he fears losing you (it does happen) , where as swinging is just sex with no emotional involvement.
September 30, 2008 at 12:23 pm
Your werido ego-maniac aged ‘boyfirend’ came on SDC and had a pop at just about everyone in the blog. So nobody there (about 1000th of the people on SDC) took well to you two.
DEAL WITH IT (and stop blaming everyone else for your ineptitude).
Oh.. there are plenty of other swinger sites out there since you dislike SDC so much.
September 30, 2008 at 10:55 pm
Yeah, I am a member of SDC as well. I have read your and Hawk’s blogs and comments. Always amazed at the negative attitudes and comments which are thrown at you. ALWAYS amazed. Have you thought about AFF? It is a bigger community… some bullshit you will have to deal with, but I have been very lucky to meet some great people and wonderful friends.
I followed this link to find you here on a blog comment on SDC.
I am very unhappy with the blogging community there. I am a blogger on AFF and love it and I think with time you may meet some fantastic people there. SDC is great for meeting real couples in the lifestyle, but there does seem to be some attitude flowing around there in blogland and through the cliques which have developed. I tried posting my own blog and everyone went so far off topic and openly criticized me, other commenters that I was truly amazed and in awe at the negativity when we are suppose to be a community which promotes the idea of free expression and why does it need to stop and start with sex.
You can offer opinion without bashing. I do not mind disagreement, but the way some opt to express it floors me. I am new to reading the blogs on SDC and do not know any backstory if there is any… BUT damn, it seems like you are a target regardless the topic etc etc etc.
Good luck to both of you….